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Simon Says: Nastiest Cowell Quotes

What would <a href='http://television.aol.com/show/american-idol/65307/main' target='_blank'> 'American Idol'</a> be like without <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/simon-cowell/329871' target='_blank'>Simon Cowell</a>? Bloody boring, if you ask us. The caustic critic regularly steals the spotlight from <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/randy-jackson/437569' target='_blank'>Randy</a>, <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/paula-abdul/78920' target='_blank'>Paula</a> and the struggling songbirds on the main stage with his brutal assessments. According to Forbes magazine, Cowell pulls down a hefty $43 mil a year. You'd think that would be enough money to soften him up, but lucky for us, no such luck. Read on for some of the most memorable jabs and musings from the King of Mean.

1) "Let me have a choice, I'm going to work in a coal mine for 14 hours a day or I'm going to be a runner-up on <a href='http://television.aol.com/show/american-idol/65307/main' target='_blank'>'American Idol'</a> -- give me a break, idiot. There's no pressure ... They're not working for a living, they're becoming famous .... No one is dragging these people on to the show ... This is a competition that if you do well, you're going to become famous -- end of story, if you don't like it, do something else." -- commenting on <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/clay-aiken/1516788' target='_blank'>Clay Aiken's</a> disclosure that he had started taking antidepressants to deal with the pressures of fame

2) "I thought she was a stage-school brat when I first met her. But she's quite a nice girl. And she's our little Seabiscuit." -- predicting <a href=' http://music.aol.com/artist/diana-degarmo/2156164 ' target='_blank'>Diana DeGarmo</a> would win (she came in second to <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/fantasia/1759451' target='_blank'>Fantasia Barrino</a>)

3) ''If you win this competition, we will have failed.'' -- to <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/jim-verraros/2228111' target='_blank'>Jim Verraros</a>, before he advanced to the semifinal round

4) "Your songs are not going to carry you through to next week -- that's the problem. However, you are a great guy. You are a great singer. And whatever happens, you will make your mom very proud for what you've achieved for this competition." -- to <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/elliott-yamin/444395' target='_blank'>Elliott Yamin</a>, who had performed a cover of <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/ray-charles/1003277' target='_blank'>Ray Charles'</a> "I Believe to My Soul."

5) "She was very cold. She could have been a robot for all the emotion or personality she put over. And she said something very stupid. She had a little bit of criticism, and she said: ''I'm not the slightest bit worried. We're all winners now. We're all going to have successful careers.'' When she said it, I said, ''She's out.'' Because America decides whether they're going to have successful careers. To say that was verging on arrogance." -- on why <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/latoya-london/2130466' target='_blank'>LaToya London</a> was eliminated

6) "That was a terrible impersonation of <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/elvis-presley/1004448' target='_blank'>Elvis Presley</a>. The dancing was hideous. It was just karaoke with a capital K." -- to <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/taylor-hicks/442189' target='_blank'>Taylor Hicks</a> following a lukewarm performance of "Jailhouse Rock"

7) "It's rather like having a silly little dog who wants to jump up on your lap and you just swat the dog off. Occasionally in a very stern voice you have to say 'no.' And that's how I deal with Ryan." -- on coping with super-peppy co-worker <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/ryan-seacrest/329869' target='_blank'>Ryan Seacrest</a>

8) "My act is going to run out fairly quickly. There's no question of that." -- on his 15 minutes of fame

9) ''You sounded like <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/cher/1003282' target='_blank'>Cher</a> after she's been to the dentist.'' -- finding a colorful way to describe Marianna Riccio's version of "Should I Stay or Should I Go"

10) "I thought the whole <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/sanjaya-malakar/505377' target='_blank'>Sanjaya</a> thing was hysterical. I'm happy now because he's out. I don't think I'd be happy if he was in the finals, so I can now be quite smug about it." -- gloating over Sanjaya

11) "I encourage [back talk]. I don't think they do it enough because I think they all think they're going to be voted off if they're rude to me. I think it's the opposite. I think the more rude they are to me, the more votes they'll get .... I think it should be two-way. If I'm rude to them, they're more than entitled to be rude to me back." -- Simon reveals his secret desire for more sass from <a href='http://television.aol.com/show/american-idol/65307/main' target='_blank'>"Idol"</a> contestants

12) "I don't think <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/paula-abdul/78920' target='_blank'>Paula</a> will be having my children. Sometimes I just don't like her." -- admitting he isn't always a big fan of his fellow judge

13) "We will take her under our wing for six months and we will produce a new <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/britney-spears/1290171' target='_blank'>Britney Spears</a> [We'll] keep her away from her stupid friends [and] buy her some underwear." -- explaining how <a href='http://television.aol.com/show/american-idol/65307/main' target='_blank'>'American Idol'</a></a> could have given Britney Spears an extreme makeover

14) "You're like every dad who's ever got drunk at a wedding ... got on stage and sang. The difference is, you can sing." -- serving up a rare, if backhanded, compliment to <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/taylor-hicks/442189' target='_blank'>Taylor Hicks</a>

15) "Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I'm not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk's wife." -- to a tuneless contestant whose green sweater is a fashion no-no

16) "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf." -- taking down another tuneless wonder

17) <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/kelly-clarkson/1499475' target='_blank'>Kelly Clarkson</a> is not an artist who's in it for the money. She has a lot of integrity and this is a record she wanted to make. And I admire her for that. ... It's not as commercial as her last record, but any Kelly Clarkson record at the moment is a pretty good record compared to the competition, because she's an incredible artist." -- on <a href='http://music.aol.com/album/my-december/1202344' target='_blank'>"My December,"</a> which debuted at No. 2 on the charts behind <a href='http://music.aol.com/album/hannah-montana-vol-2-meet-miley-cyrus/1187188' target='_blank'>'Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus'</a>

18) I don't want babies the same way I wouldn't want a puppy. It's too much responsibility. -- on why he'll never be father of the year

19) I actually really like <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/donald-trump/71941' target='_blank'>Donald Trump</a>. I think he's entertaining. There are so many unhappy billionaires, and he's a happy one with a great sense of humor. I didn't think I'd like him. I like people [who] don't take themselves too seriously. -- revealing he has an unlikely role model

20) "It's not the most imaginative wardrobe in the world, I agree." -- admitting to being a dull dresser

21) "Steven, I've heard some weird auditions in my life, but I've got to tell you that was possibly the weirdest audition I've heard in my life. It was like a 1-year-old singing that song. It was weird. It would be like coaching a one legged man to win the 100 meter sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it. This is just ridiculous, if you don't mind me saying." -- to <a href='http://television.aol.com/show/american-idol/65307/main' target='_blank'>'Idol'</a> reject Steve Thoen following an ear-splitting version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'

22) "My attitude is, if someone's going to criticize me, tell me to my face. I find Paula</a> patronizing. It's as simple as that. Paula is more damaging than I am to these contestants because a lot of people just shouldn't be singing for a living." -- taking another shot at Paula

23) "I like crazy. The panel is wacky, and therefore I think the contestants should be a bit strange as well." -- rationalizing the agonizing reign of <a href='http://television.aol.com/celebrity/sanjaya-malakar/505377' target='_blank'>Sanjaya</a>

24) "They [Paula Abdul</a> and Randy Jackson</a>] loved him. I couldn't stand him [<a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/taylor-hicks/442189' target='_blank'>Taylor Hicks</a>] I didn't get it. At the end of the day you have to find a bona fide recording artist. Just because you win the show doesn't mean you will sell a lot of records. <a href='http://music.aol.com/artist/chris-daughtry/515157' target='_blank'>Chris [Daughtry] </a> is the one who sold the albums, not Taylor." -- confirming that no, he is not a fan of Taylor Hicks

25) "All we're doing is telling people who don't have a chance in hell that they don't have a chance in hell." -- explaining his plain-talking methods

26) I was once offered money to judge somebody in bed, a couple. And I stupidly turned it down. It was about 100 grand, and I should have taken the money, because it would be a much more interesting story now other than I didn't. -- admitting he missed a great opportunity

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