Though maybe not the show's best go-round, season 9 of 'Dancing With the Stars' has provided its share of moments, some of which we'd just as soon forget: Debi Mazar's grouchiness; Macy Gray's bleeped comment about, er, losing her dance virginity; Aaron Carter's weepy surrogate father-son relationship with Len Goodman; Donny Osmond and Bruno Tonioli's smoochy journey to the dark side; and the weekly brain freeze when we tried to figure out again who exactly Mark Dacascos is.
But 'DWTS' is really all about the dancing. Right? We've compiled our list of the five best and worst performances of this season. Feel free to take issue in the comments or add your own favorites.
WORST
5. Chuck Liddell's Samba (Week 3)
One of the joys of 'Dancing With the Stars' is watching some big hulking jock discover his inner dancer. That didn't happen this season. The Ultimate Fighting champion's samba with Anna Trebunskaya was typical of his performances: When they were out of hold, he made oddly threatening gestures that made you think of an alpha-male gorilla selecting a mate. In hold, it looked as if she were trying to walk a refrigerator forward so she could sweep behind it. The judges were frustratingly diplomatic in their comments, praising Chuck's entertainment value. Worse, this was the routine they chose to reprise in the results show.
4. Donny Osmond's '80s Paso Doble (Week 8)
Oddly, the bizarre "combine a Latin dance and a time period" challenge in week 8 provided two of the season's best performances, but Donny's wasn't one of them. The goody-two-shoes chose to dress like Adam Ant; and his high-waisted bolero pants, unfortunately, added 10 pounds and deleted five inches in height. Donny gamely tried to scowl through his makeup and the period video effects. "That was like Donny doing Marie doing Donny ..." said Bruno. (We hope he meant "Donny acting like Marie acting like Donny ...") Adding to the pain was the poor anonymous male tenor trying to imitate Pete Burns' melismas on 'You Spin Me Round.' ("I want your lo-o-o-o-[inhale]-o-o-ove ...")
3. Macy Gray's Viennese Waltz (Week 1)
"Macy! Wake up!" "Wha ...?" "Wake up! We're waltzing!" "Wha ...? Oh, hi, Jonathan! What's going on?" "We're dancing the waltz! On live TV!" "Oh, cool. One-two-three, one-two-three, right?" "Yes. Now smile and look up." "Ooh, pretty lights ... Hey, gimme a minute here, OK?" "Macy! Wake up!" And so on ...
2. Tom DeLay's Cha-cha (Week 1)
Maybe the former congressman would have improved if he hadn't been injured, but his season-premiere dance with poor Cheryl Burke to 'Wild Thing' is an example of why "good sport" isn't always a compliment. After making a lot of jokes about how Republicans can party and how he can't move to the left, Tom gave a performance that rose to the top of the embarrassment scale -- you know, the "Dad at the karaoke bar" level. Maybe that's unfair to Dad. At least he doesn't pull his pants up to his sternum and shake his hips at the camera.
1. Ashley Hamilton's Foxtrot (Week 1)
The producers were just plain mean when they paired George Hamilton's charisma-free son with George's season 2 partner, Edyta Sliwinska. Ashley suffered miserably by comparison. George was all performance and a little dance, while Ashley was neither, although he looked good when he wasn't moving. The lyrics to the accompanying song, Mika's 'Grace Kelly,' didn't help: The answer to the repeated question "Why don't you like me?" was "Duh."
BEST
5. Donny Osmond's Jitterbug (Week 6)
The judges kept telling Donny what a great showman he is. This routine actually proved they were right. His partner, Kym Johnson, choreographed a very easy jitterbug that he put across with a "you're gonna love this, folks" attitude. Though he's been physically shy around Kym all season, Donny even followed her instructions to flip her over, look at her butt and say "woo-woo" while yanking his steam whistle. (Literally -- he was dressed like a train engineer.)
4. Mya's '70s Samba (Week 8)
Even though Dmitry Chaplin said in the night's rehearsal segment that he was suffering from choreographer's block, he and Mya somehow created a routine that was both wholly samba and wholly disco. They scored the first perfect 30 of the season with a performance that even made Dmitry's 'stache look good. Len Goodman was so excited he may have read off Bruno's cue card, telling Mya, "Your hips were hypnotic."
3. Kelly Osbourne's Quickstep (Week 9)
All season long, the judges kept telling Kelly she had to work on her confidence. This performance put that criticism to rest (and even made us forget that creepy rag doll from her jive in week 8). You can watch Kelly getting happier and happier as she realizes she's going to make it through the routine, occasionally flashing that dazzling "I've got an extra pair of incisors" smile. Her cha-cha later in the night was equally good, but it was too short. (And how often do you wish a 'DWTS' dance were longer?)
2. Mya's Salsa (Week 9)
Len Goodman had been giving Mya a hard time throughout the season for putting too many gimmicks in her routines. He probably did this so she wouldn't seem like so much of a shoo-in. This routine made it clear that if 'DWTS' is really all about the the dancing (see above), she's going to win. Check out her excellent solo, and the way that Dmitry seems to be sincerely admiring her moves. Len's admiration, by the way, was a bit much. "Tutti-frutti, what a booty!" he said after the routine. "I was mesmerized by your buttocks."
1. Joanna Krupa's Futuristic Paso Doble (Week 8)
Though it might have seemed that Joanna and her partner, Derek Hough, drew the short straw when they were asked to create a paso of the future, Derek actually choreographed a routine that, as Len said, looked like how our descendants will dance the paso doble (especially if the future is controlled by '80s video directors). Joanna matched Derek move for move, though Carrie Ann Inaba said she spotted a funky back kick and only gave the pair a 9. Maybe she did that as a favor to Bruno so that he could display his customary defiant fist pump while shouting, "10!"
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
Donny Osmond looks like Count Dracula dancing with MaMa from the Addams Family! Paso Doble? Paso THIS!
Donnie is not big. nor fat, nor queer!
Whatever, Louis! As soon as I saw Donny, I said, "he looks like Adam Ant". Len commented on the Adam Ant look, so it was recognizable. You are just bitter because you don't like him. You probably liked that slutty, mean bitch, Joanna. No class.
Look at Mya and tell me she's not Tiny Tims illegitimate child. The judges picked her before she ever dancing. Strange, that's what she does for a living.
actually she sings and dances hip hop and has done broadway, not partner dancing,which btw is hard to do, she is, if you watch use to being in the spot light alone, she is painfully shy and ppl just didn't get her, she also hurt her ankle but didn't complain or whine
on the other side, donny osmond has done it all and then some for over 30 yrs,mya is only 30 go figure the difference, ballroom and hip hop are so distant,she learns fast,is musical...not a prof, eh she lost,no fan base like the one marie had,pretty sure they asked everyone in utah,vegas,miracle network to vote,did they send out 2mil emails.? lol
Good old Stuart Goddard is probably laughing his @$$ off right about now. Ooooo Donnie! Your-so-phi-si-cal!
Donny Osmond looks like a big fat queer...oh wait a minute....he IS a big fat queer.
OK this should upset the PC crowd. Since when did Donny & Marie become Spanish? Both of them seem to be ashamed of their ancient Anglo-Saxon name. He looks just plan stupid and she usually has enough makeup on to cause a streetwalker to blush.
Mya reminds of that pretty smiling witch that snickers at you behind your back. She will probably win....
Donnie, it wasn't the makeup. That was a really clever ruse to hide your appearance. The makeup thing was to conceal the fact that you have become a fat pig. Highlight the (fat) face to make us not see the fat person. Buuuuuuuuurp.